Yay! I'm going to Sakuracon! *claps* That means I've got to get femme!America and Belgium ready for April, and one other costume. Ideally I'd love to rework my Aya Hoshino cosplay so I can have that since Chris Patton and Luci Christian will be there and I want them to sign the Super GALS! DVD insert posters for their characters. If I can't, though, I'll bring along Haru.

So yes, fujiappletan-wifey, we need to talk and plan!

Also: have a meme!

Comment and answer the following:
* Who are you?
* Are we friends?
* When and how did we meet?
* Would you kiss me?
* Give me a nickname and explain why?
* Describe me in one word!
* What was your first impression of me?
* Do you still think the same?
* What reminds you of me?
* If you could give me anything what would it be?
* How well do you know me?
* Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
* Would you ever meet up with me?

*Bolded lines are the tl;dr version. I know I tend to write a lot.

Alright. I need advice. Preferably from someone less impulsive and angry than I, [which is a good majority of my F-list, ooo I collect good friends] who knows a bit about roleplay etiquette [which is also a good majority of my F-list, fy].

So I applied for this community. I talked about it, lostruto . I spent two weeks on the application, which ended up to be ten thousand words long in total, and I bent over photobucket like a crack addict trying to figure out how to make icons on crappy online image editors because I haven't had Photoshop and I'm going through withdrawal. That isn't the point though.

Anyway, I posted it very early last Sunday morning. Say, four in the morning on Saturday night. After cruising through the other applications I saw that they had accepted the apps either the same day, or the day after. So, I was reasonably hoping for a quick response.

Two days went by. Then three. I became irritated, and I traded a few words with Elizabeth, and she told me they were probably busy and that I should give them another day before contacting them. With no replies, on Wednesday night, around seven, I contacted the mod, just to ask her if she had gotten my app. As long as I knew that they were working on it, yanno? I've been a mod before, I know how difficult it can be.

The mod responded to me thus: Hey! I've been meaning to get in contact with you.

She reassured me that she'd gotten my app, but then said that we needed to discuss some problems with it. Most of her problems had very little importance in regards to the app. They were about things like a single sentence, the description of a power, and one of the skeletons in Tenten's closet. I'd never had anything of the like happen before, and it felt like some hardcore micromanaging--which I never respond well to--so I was a little defensive. Then again, I'm used to people being like "OH MY GOD JOIN MY COMM" toward me, so this was a big punch to my unnecessarily large ego. Though maybe not, because I work really hard on my apps, and it shows because I've never gotten a rejection from a comm in my life [except for that one time with Angie and that doesn't count].

I can't say that I am not irritated that I had to be the one to contact her after four days of waiting. It just seems mucho unprofessional. How long would she have waited if I hadn't messaged her?

But that isn't the point.

The point is: I corrected everything she asked of me. I rewrote sentences, added an entire bloody section to provide some extra info that she wanted [instead of just adding it into the history, she said it would be "easier for the mods" if I just bolded it. Okay.], deleted an idea that I had defended at first because I didn't think it was worth it, deleted other things, etc. By the time I was done I had barely 9,300 words left, so I lost a significant amount of my app.

I sent in the corrections around ten o'clock on Wednesday and I messaged the mod to inform her. She responded: Awesome, I'll look at it and get the co-mods to look over it too and we'll get back to you in a more timely manner than before.

Okay, okay, squee. I expected a reply in less than three days, right? Since four days was untimely, and I assumed that they had already reviewed my app and thus shouldn't need a long amount of time to at least give me a goddamned response. It's Sunday, four days later, and they have not responded thusfar.

It is not as if she is busy with comm things. She is online every day, for a good portion of the day. In fact, she is online right now. I have been keeping tabs on the community, to monitor activity. There hasn't been a log post since the 29th of October, a mod post since November first, or an interaction since the 7th of November. That's over a week since the last shard of activity in the comm. They recently lost three of their characters, and they had a rather small cast to start. They have not gotten an application before mine in weeks; not since the beginning of the comm.

By my eyes, they need this activity. Perhaps I am just being arrogant, but I am a good player. I am reasonably active. I care about the characters I play, and I do not do mediocre work. I just don't understand what I did to have them treating me so badly. Every other app on that damned page was responded to within two days, and while the writing was all good across the board, I was definitely on their skill level, if not higher.

Thus: I am this close to messaging the mod again. Ask her what's taking so long. And if she doesn't give me a good fucking reason why I am waiting for an entire bloody week just for her to do her damn job, I am going to tell her exactly what I think of her [as politely as possible, though I will be mentally using my angry voice] without giving a damn if she chooses to reject me because I dared talk back to her.

This. Is. Ridiculous.

And despite it, I really want to play at the fucking comm. That's the kicker. I really want to play there, despite this bullshit. Usually I'd just leave. Screw it. If they don't value the fact that I am trying as hard as I possibly can to be a good quality candidate for their comm, then I don't think I want to know how they'd treat me as a player in their comm. But I just. I worked so fucking hard on everything, and I want to play there, and I just wish they'd stop acting like this so that I don't have to enter the comm thanks to a fight, on the defensive, with my ears pressed against my head. Because then I'll end up dropping out of shame.

So, you have the story, and I need to know opinions. Am I overreacting? Should I contact the mod? Is it worth it? Who is the real douchebag here? Should I stop taking happy fun tiems so seriously and actually do my homework? Why do I doubt myself so much?

Your help in preventing me from making an ass out of myself is greatly appreciated. =w=

God I am so repulsive even the Cohos don't want to fucking talk to me. Dx

I only found one that was even online--the one that I met Shar on, coincidentally. All the other ones were offline. But twice nobody responded, and the only time I got a response that happened.

/tries so many more times

And to think I could just go to bed.

I have just zeroed in on a tendency of mine.

I meet people. I meet really popular people. Wonderful people, adored by everyone, the BNF types who are envied and lusted after. You know the ones. I fall in love with those people, and for some unexplainable reason they fall in love with me right back. It's every fangirl's dream. We're in love.

For a certain amount of time, at least.

And then there is a period of drifting, in which I desperately try to cling onto these people and where they want very little to do with me.

Eventually I'll realize that they were never as beautiful as I thought they were in the first place.

Eventually I will become disillusioned.

The truly beautiful ones are those who slither underneath the radar. You don't notice them at first. Sometimes it takes a while.

And then.

I don't know why I insist on attracting outwardly wonderful people.

They only end up letting me down in the end, when I realize they are just as human as everyone else.

Can't anyone ever stay extraordinary? Why do they always insist on depriving me of my idle, worshipping fantasies?

It hurts to lose a hero. Hurts even more to lose a friend.

I think I'm learning how to let go.

When I can roll my eyes and stop feeling the loss, I start to wonder if that means I'm just growing a pair, or if I'm losing a bit of my humanity.

This is not directed toward anyone in general. Please, no presumptuous comments. ♥

Eta. I've redefined my icon, in my eyes. Before it looked like they were holding on to each other. Now it looks like the black hand is pulling away from the white one.

And the white one is barely hanging on.

I hate contextualism.

⌈ Secret Post #1044 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

101.

( More! )

Notes:

THIS goes into effect starting with Submissions Post 151, as secrets were posted before the poll went up last week.

Secrets Left to Post: 22 pages, 542 secrets from Secret Submission Post #150.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 3 4 5 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 4 5 - too big ], [ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 - doing it wrong ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

LOL HAVE FUN TRYING TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS YOU:

People in this letter-thing:

Judo, Kodu, Kuna, Lamb, Erin, Angie, Rae, Sam, Jennie, Sam L., Meghann, Mia, Luke, Jesse, Mom, Dad, Megan, Carlie, Nicole.

(1): Why don’t we connect anymore.

(2): I wish I was of more help to you when you need me.

(3): I owe my fast-typing skills all to you.

(4): I hate you, but I had good memories.

(5): Honestly, I enjoy roleplaying with you the most.

(6): I want your hair. It’s beautiful.

(7): Rape never felt so good.

(8): Talking to you makes school bearable. We have fun, important conversations. I love you.

(9): I feel like I’m being replaced, but I can’t say anything cuz you’ll think I’m weird.

(10): I never want you to be mad at me. And I swear I love you the most out of anyone in the entire world.

(11): I miss you.

(12): You’re my favorite.

(13): I know I’m mean to you. I know you’re suffering. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. I love you.

(14): We…need to start talking again. Like, now.

(15): I owe you so much. I love you so much. Don’t ever change.

(16): You’re the WEIRDEST girl I’ve ever met. I fucking love you.

(17): Whaaat?

(18): I’ll never forget you.

(19): I don't believe in God, but I'll get on my knees for you any day.

This is my life.


... No wonder Eddie doesn't talk to me anymore. D8 He's dating my ex boyfriend. Always knew TC was a tripfag.

poisontea~ I'll treat you right, bb.

I did this forever ago, back when I still did these things. I purposefully made them all obscure, to the point where I literally had to make a list because when I went back I could not remember which one was to who.

I am kind of proud of myself, to be honest.

- When you call me Jude, I feel ridiculously happy. I miss nicknames.
- Dance more.
- I want you to throw yourself off of the top bunk and stop being a bitch.
- Dude come online.
- Violence isn't becoming.
- Spend more time with me.
- Take off your shoes more often. I like it when you show skin.
- Stop being an attention whore. That's my job.
- I still love you.
- Sometimes, I want to hold your hand. Sometimes I do.
- Be less gay.
- I don't want to be there when you get raped.
- We should talk.
- I wish you wouldn't.
- PISSY BITCH.
- Your socially reclusive behaviour makes me sad.
- Why don't you do weed anymore? Smoke around me again.
- You frustrate me to the point where I want to make out with you.
- Haha. Sims.
- I know it's mad, but if I go to hell will you go with me or just leave?
- If I had sex, and you weren't a playing, lying jackass, I'd do it with you.
- Dude, our conversations.
- Sometimes, I think you're perfect. And then I remember.
- Stop being invisible.
- No. Put your dick away.
- Paint your nails, then take a picture of it.
- These drive you crazy.

Some of these are to dead things and people who aren't online, lmfao. 8( And only two of these were to people/things that don't have tags. I actually feel kind of accomplished.

The one about Felicia makes me... understandably sad.

Yay for livejournal and vague.

"Sorry I took so long to come pick you up. Traffic was really bad today."

"Oh, it's okay. I just found a nice patch of internet and sat in it."

So, some interesting things happened at class today.

1. Everyone ganged up on the teacher. I'm not joking. Almost nobody understood the homework, and we were insisting that she didn't go over it. She insisted that she did. It was this big fight and like half the class was up there talking in their angry voices. Yayuan was getting reaaally upset and defensive, and in contrast to my identity of a snotty college student, I apologized to her after class because even though she was being a douche, she probably didn't understand half of what we were saying, and was just responding out of nerves. She looked like she was going to cry, which just. I understand that she is a bad teacher, but if students get up and start yelling at her instead of explaining calmly, it is both disrespectful and unproductive.

I did start talking in my angry voice at one point because she said that she got NO emails and, LOL, uh. No. She can defend herself all she likes, but I had to email her twice to get the information I needed, and after taking the quiz, what she told me was not what was on the quiz, so uh.

2. I might have passed that fucking quiz. I knew how to do every single fucking problem. I wasn't nervous on any of them. In fact, I was so excited that I knew everything that my heart started racing and I actually got nervous from... excitement, idk. Go ask the anxiety, it's its fault. I even figured out the fucking bonus problem which I never do because um sobbies those are always really hard. But this one was easy and fffff. It seems the more despair I enter a quiz with, the better I'll do.

I'm not even joking, either. I was too discouraged to study this morning so I didn't end up studying AT ALL. All those other mornings? Those other mornings I got up as early as six thirty/seven o'clock and studied all morning until eleven for the damned quiz, and I was lucky if I got a twelve on one of those damn things.

3. I was one of the only students to understand what she was teaching. Unfortunately there is a huge formula to remember and I don't know how to explain it, and even then my understanding is kind of... shaky. But at least I am familiar with it.

The bad news is that, pffft, I still don't know how to do the homework. :'3

Ah well. I'll figure soooomething out. Eventually.

To my best friend: Why is it you talk to me for an average of ten minutes, just about, and then you stop responding to anything I say? It's like you just walk away, or say, "I've had enough of Judo for today, I think I'll just stop talking now."

Lol, unrelated non sequitur is unrelated to everything in this post.

Oh man, work sucked so hardcore today. We're getting a new health care/dental plan so there was a meeting for that, which wasn't too bad. But after lunch, everyone in the test department except for Ben left so there was no one on the floor, and it totally sucked out any motivation to work those of us who remained. Thankfully, Kenny was his usual angel self and offered to take care of handing off the packages to UPS so after ragging on JR for a little while, my mom and I left a little after 4.

And now I'm chilling out in the living room, watching Glenn Beck. I don't normally, but his audience today intrigues me greatly.

And then I log on and see makeste's latest post pimping undercover's posting of this round's fics, which totally made me giddy. I think mine's pretty obvious, but we shall see, hmm??

AND WAFFLES FOR SUPPER TONIGHT YAY.

⌈ Secret Post #1043 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

101.

( More! )

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #149.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 2 3 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Lmfao, guys, just so you know what I'm dealing with:

Judo, in an email to her math teacher, after worrying about how she would do on the quiz that may allegedly cover material she does not yet understand:

Since you were absent today we did not have a quiz review. Will there still be a quiz tomorrow? What will be on it, if there is?

Yayuan Xiao, in reply:

We will have a quiz as usual. As I said on Monday, it will cover the concepts in Homework of last week.

I feel compelled to call her a LYING BITCH AND SAY SHE SAID NO SUCH THING. ALSO, what the fuck homework WAS last week? I don't even know if I HAVE last week's homework. In fact, I don't. Because I gave it to her THIS TUESDAY because she had to RE-SCHEDULE the fucking homework turn-in, so that if I want to get help on my fucking homework I have to turn it in LATE. EVERY. WEEK. Before it was due on Tuesday so I could go for help on Monday. Now, it's due on FRIDAY, so if I wait until Monday to get help SHE BITCHES IN PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MANNER ABOUT IT BEING LATE.

WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT ME TO DO, YOU HARPY, I AM TRYING MY GOD-DAMN BEST HERE.

I am just going to skip class and go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. I don't know what the fuck I am supposed to do. She won't help me. She won't work with me.

I could legitimately withdraw from the class for medical reasons, but it might destroy my Financial Aid since it is a five credit course. Without it, I will only have eleven credits, which would mean that I am TECHNICALLY not a full-time student, which means that I COULD LOSE ALL OF MY GRANTS AND SCHOLARSHIPS ISN'T THAT FUCKING WONDERFUL.

Either I stay, choke through a class where the teacher won't fucking help me, run the 5% chance that I pass the fucking excruciatingly hard final--which I won't. She told us that out of a class of thirty, only six usually passed the class--and when I don't pass, watch it wreak HAVOC on my GPA, which will put me in danger of losing my scholarships... OR I can drop the class, lighten my workload, force myself through the semester and get GOOD GRADES, and still risk losing my fucking scholarships.

HEY, AMERICA? THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR SCHOOL SYSTEM. YOU'D THINK THAT WHEN OVER FIFTY PERCENT OF THE KIDS WERE FAILING A CLASS THAT YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE FUCKING TEACHERS.

How am I supposed to do this if she won't. Fucking. Help me.

Eta. To my teacher, in response to her last, unhelpful email:

I have not yet received last week's homework. Usually you give us the types of the problems that will be on the quiz.

Since I do not have the homework to review, I would appreciate it if you would tell me which problems there were so that I could study them, since I do not usually do well on the quizzes.

Find the domain of functions, simplify the expressions containing the radical terms.

I am so glad to have this information half an hour before I am supposed to be in class. :D That should be plenty of time to study, right?

Hey, does anyone less irrational, and more canine/capitalism savvy [I am looking at you for the canine part, wofl_iron ] than I have a better suggestion? I am not sure how severe worn down teeth are, nor do I know any better solution than "FIND THE MONEY" or "USE PITY AND MANUAL LABOR."

/fret fret

⌈ Secret Post #1042 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

101.

( More! )

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 088 secrets from Secret Submission Post #149.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - LOLWHAT I don't even ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

It's really nice being able to look into the mirror and think, "damn, I'm hot."

MY ACNE IS CLEARING UP YAAAAAY. :D

I am not stereotypically bleach-blonde, skimpy frock, make-up wearing pretty. Although I could be, and the idea that I would be damn good at it is comforting, should I ever wish to turn into a mindless drone.

But I am pretty to myself. And some day, I will be pretty to a guy. Or girl.

Until then, I do not need to worry what men think of me.  Because most girls already think I'm hot.  They can have their long haired girly-girls, and they can have their tramps, and the girls who will give them what they want, with or without self respect. Because goodness knows, I worry more about the fact that a guy would refuse to date me on the pretense that I would not sleep with him more than a guy not liking me because I am not particularly feminine.

I wouldn't want a guy who'd even think of pushing me further than I wanted to go, anyway.

Not like the last one.

I almost started crying in the counseling office on Tuesday--my first appointment, I didn't journal about it. I said it for the first time to someone [other than insinuating it to Kuna]. About the sexual abuse. It hurts to admit it, and I feel some way that he is just so clueless about how his actions affected me, that I am almost hurting him in a way by calling it that. But that is what it felt like. What it feels like. And it is his fault I have these problems now. His fault that I cannot be touched by a guy without being uncomfortable. And I do not need to feel sorry about potentially hurting his feelings.

I will be strong without one. Just like I always have been.

Besides. Not to gloat or anything. But at the con? There were guys dripping off my legs.  Good to know that at eighteen I have not yet lost my charm.

At the moment, Ocean Rain by Echo and the Bunnymen.
Although any Queen album is a very close second.

I THINK GLEE KILLED MY BRAIN TONIGHT.

Oh God, it went there. I didn't believe it would but it did.

Sue's sister... omg it broke my heart. D: In a GOOD way. I really like Sue's character more with each episode. She's become so much more than just a comedic plot device.

I love Kurt's dad, too. Man, the line he said, "YOU CAN'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST MY KID BECAUSE OF HIS SEX, RELIGION, POLITICAL AFFILIATION, OR THE FACT THAT HE IS QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL." I lol'd forever.

Also I couldn't focus on the Artie/Tina because I was thinking about how all the Glee fanatics [I hate the term Gleek more than anything in the world] on F!S would be TRIPPING BALLS tonight. ~*Omg it happened.*~ To be honest I had no idea that they were even insinuated to be a couple, I just thought it was F!S being weird. Collectively. Oops?

And, mmm. Puck. The part about the baby coming out with a mohawk... Did I mention that I love mohawks. Oh wait. I know that I was pretty "ugh Puck and Quinn HOW PREDICTABLE" at the beginning but they make him a convincing well-meaning asshat. I love how he calls her his babymomma even though she is like "GET AWAY GO LEAVE ME ALONE I AM GOING TO ABUSE MY BOYFRIEND WHOSE ONLY CRIME IS BEING A LITTLE THICK." I honestly do not like Finn, really. I would like him to break up with Quinn just to facilitate her and Puck.

Then he and Rachel can be boring, chemistry-void butt babies. I am convinced that everyone in that damn show has more chemistry with EVERYONE ELSE than those two. I swear, Artie and Sue have more chemistry than Finn and Rachel. >>;

Also, The Crush? Really? Who didn't see that coming. I CANNOT believe it went there. Honestly I am kind of... disappointed. I thought it was above stooping that low.

I really like the wheelchair bit. And also the fact that they are including characters with disabilities. Though Tina faking the stutter... that just. I disagreed with that. And if Artie only liked her because they had a disability in common he really needs to get over himself because that is just. OKAY LET'S PAIR THE DISABLED PEOPLE TOGETHER RIGHT BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WOULD WANT THEM RIGHT? It is also kind of presumptuous I guess to assume that the wheelchair kid would have a crush on the girl with the speech impediment. It can't be THAT IMPORTANT to a relationship that they be mutually crippled come on.

Then again I am probably just weird for being bothered at the disability thing while laughing at the gay jokes. I just it is the father tries to be supportive but it still bothers him and it's still there in his mind. It feels realistic to me, really, and I laugh because I don't find it offensive. I mean, I make fun of my gay friends. I would not make fun of a random gay person I was not close with, but I know what offends my friends [most of the time, I deal with Trial and Error in other situations] and I would not make a joke if they weren't the type to find that funny.

But this is not about me.

I am glad for the show. Most of the problems I had at the beginning of the series are gone, and while I would like some people to be less stereotypical, I love some of the angles it's taking. Like, the thing with Becky, was her name? And Sue's sister? That really actually touched me. It actually made a pretty big statement. And I give them props. I don't see that in shows a lot.

Very nice, Glee. Very nice. /eagerly waits for next week

... oh God I just made a huge journal about a... I am turning into something. Brb guys, I have to go pray, or. Cleanse myself. With fire.